


Vigilante Frat House Drabbles

by birds89birds



Series: Vigilante Frat House [7]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Deadpool (Movieverse), Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual Eddie Brock, Bisexual Peter Parker, Crack, Defenestration, Drinking, Drunk matt murdock, Families of Choice, Found Family, Gen, Human Disaster Eddie Brock, Human Disaster Peter Parker, Human Disaster Wade Wilson, One Shot Collection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Wade Wilson, Peter Parker Has Anxiety, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Deadpool 2 (2018), Rated teen for language, So much Canon Divergence, Spider-Verse, Superior Iron Man, Symbiote Disaster Venom, Team Red, Trans Eddie Brock, Universal Constant Wade, Vigilantes (Marvel), also not important to the story but im transmasc and i wanted a transmasc character so woo, asexual author, i am marking this as completed even though it's continuing bc each chapter is a standalone, if anyone tags this as pedo im gonna shank them, it'll come i assure u, not important to the story but i hope u know all my peters r bi, oh i hope u know not a single vigilante is straight, theyre gonna do that a lot im sorry, trans author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28604472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds89birds/pseuds/birds89birds
Summary: any fic i write for this universe that is under 1k ends up hereThe vigilantes of NYC are one big stupid found family and they have an apartment for shared use, hilarity ensues.
Relationships: Eddie Brock & Peter Parker & Venom Symbiote, Eddie Brock & Peter Parker & Venom Symbiote & Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Peter Parker & Wade Wilson
Series: Vigilante Frat House [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2096028
Comments: 13
Kudos: 186





	1. Caffeine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter drinks caffeine. it goes poorly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNINGS:** peter has a (non-graphic) panic attack and acts erratically because of it, violence against deadpools, venom says something misogynistic and gets chastised for it, mentions of hitting spider-people with brooms and throwing slippers
> 
> woop woop

“That’s it, no more caffeine for you.”

Peter hissed from the ceiling.

**Amusing.**

“Jesus fucking Christ. This isn’t funny!”

**This is very funny.**

“You’re useless. Wade! Get a broom!”

Wade walked in, looked up at Peter, and handed Eddie and Venom a gun.

“The fuck?!”

**Why?**

“It’s got a brush on the handle!” Eddie looked down. Sure as shit, someone had hot-glued a broom brush to the handle.

**Is this what you humans call DIY?**

Eddie chose to ignore Venom. “I am not touching the anxious mutant with gun trauma with that thing, _especially_ considering he can rip off my arm like a fucking gorilla.”

“Coward.”

“Not all of us grow back like a brutal case of genital warts, _Wade_.”

**Ha!**

“Just have your alien partner grow it back!”

Venom formed over Eddie’s shoulder. **“Alien partner can only reattach limbs. Regrowing happens when there are heads.”**

Wade sniffed. “Boring.”

“No heads, love, we promised.” 

**“Pussy.”**

“What did I say about that word?”

**“Don’t?”**

“Yes! Good! Turns out you _don’t_ have the memory of a goldfish!”

**“Peter was telling me goldfish could be trained to feed themselves. They are very smart, for a fish. But you are saying I have poor memory?”**

“It’s a saying, I’ll explain it when you’re older.” 

**“I am older!”**

Eddie waved his hand. “Whatever. Do we have an _actual_ broom in this house?”

Venom retracted back into Eddie’s shoulder.

**Comfy.**

“I don't think so? But I do have those fun little slippers that clean the floor as you walk!” Wade pulled out his phone. “Here’s what they look like!”

**Eddie. Eddie! EDDIE!!**

“What?!”

**Can we get some?! They look soft… And comfy...**

“Maybe later, love.”

Wade wolf-whistled in the background. Eddie glared at him.

“Fuzzy cleaning slippers offer is still on the table.”

“That’s not what we need.” Eddie sighed. “Fine. I’m heading to Walmart.”

**Ew.**

“D-d-don’t go to fucking _Walmart_ for that.” Peter finally spoke.

“Huzzah!” Wade yelled. “He speaks!”

“No Walmart then?” Eddie asked.

Peter shook his head vigorously.

“Right.” Eddie held his arms up towards Peter. “Love?”

**He is going to bite me if I touch him.**

“ _He’s going to what now_?!”

**Peter Benjamin Parker, also known as the vigilante Spider-Man, and as you've called him recently, your "dumbass nephew you've never wanted", is going to bite me if I come in contact with him right now.**

“I don’t think he is, just do it.”

**No. Throw a shoe at him.**

“I am _not_ throwing a shoe at him!”

**Do it.**

“No!”

**Yes!! Do the soft one!**

“That won’t make a difference!”

“What’s happening?”

“Venom’s trying to convince me to throw one of your slippers at Peter.”

Wade’s eyes lit up. “Did I ever tell you how much of a _genius_ your hot gooey tentacle fuck-y partner is?”

**I had no idea what any of those words meant. Besides genius. He is right about that.**

“Yeah, you don’t want to know.”

**Like most things Wade says.**

“Are you guys insulting me?”

“Yes.”

“Assholes. See if I make you my nyquil turkey for fuck the pilgrims day.”

**Nyquil is medicine, yes?**

“Yeah, it’s medicine.”

 **Medicine is** **_bad_ ** **.**

“You’re not wrong, love.”

“Stop flirting and pay attention to me! I have gifts!” Wade brandished his slippers.

**Do not touch them.**

Eddie cocked his head.

**Shoes are a bad idea.**

Before Eddie could warn Wade, he wound his arm back, and hurled the slipper at Peter.

A lot of things happened at once.

First, Peter jumped _across_ the room to avoid the slipper.

Next, he hissed at Wade, eyes black with rage.

Then, Eddie and Venom made the executive decision to _get the fuck out of there_ , and jumped out of the window.

Finally, as they were falling into the alley below, they heard the shrill screech of Wade’s terrified screaming.

“How do we feel about tater tots?”

**Very good.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the way peter jumped on wade (bc floor BAD) to get to the ceiling in the "living room" because it's taller there. he didn't hurt wade more than it would hurt to have 146 pounds of spider-kid using your shoulders like a springboard
> 
> disclaimer: i will be writing this Peter as adhd-coded, and i am aware, most of the time, caffeine makes people with adhd calmer. however, i've been formally diagnosed with adhd and while caffeine does make me calmer and focus better, drinking too much of it can make me anxious and paranoid, sometimes prohibitively so. my family has a history of anxiety disorders so i'm assuming there's some of that too, but guess what!??!?! THIS PETER'S GOT ANXIETY TOO!!!!


	2. Superiority

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter describes his least favorite villain in any universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNINGS:** alcohol references, mentions of mass death (ie infinity war) and violence against minors (peter)  
> there will be a lot of spider-verse elements in these bc i think it's awesome, and the other can be fun

“So, what's the worst Earth you've been to?” Eddie asked over pizza, one night.

“That’s a really- a really hard question, man.”

“Sorry.”

“No no no, it’s just hard to quantify, you know?” Peter put his glass down. “Like, what makes a version of Earth _bad_? Is it an event? There’s multiple universes where half of their original populations was killed with one snap, with many more being killed by the chaos that followed, are their Earths any worse than the ones that have no animal life left at all? Besides you, Wade. You’re a fucking maniac in any universe.”

“Damn fucking right I am!” Wade yelled.

“But anyways, is a universe bad because there’s someone missing? Someone there? Did one part of one person’s life change so much that they ruined the entire world?”

Venom poked his head out of Eddie’s shoulder. **“Fine, no need to get philosophical, how about the worst obscure villain?”**

“What do you mean by that?”

**“I’m talking about only a handful of universes having them. Because no fucking shit that Galactus dude is awful, but he’s basic shit. I've kicked Galactus’ ass before.”**

Matt took a long drink, before frowning. He was probably disappointed that there wasn't alcohol in it. “We are _not_ unpacking that.”

“Alright. This villain is so obscure they’re only in one universe. Probably my least favorite, more than fucking _Morlun_.”

“That’s the guy that ripped out your eyeball and forced you to hail fuckin’ Mary, right?” Bucky asked.

Steve and Matt grumbled their complaints.

“Yep.”

“Fuck that guy.” 

Wade, Matt, Bucky and Eddie all raise their glasses at Steve’s interjection.

“Back to the important topic! Who’s the mystery person?” Wade fluttered his eyelashes dramatically at Peter. “Drop your truth bombs for us, kiddo.”

Peter stared down at his protein shake. “Earth-3121 has the worst villain, if we’re going by what he’s doing and what he’s capable of.”

“We need _names_ Peter.”

“Anthony Stark.”

Steve began to slam his head on the table, muttering something along the lines of _how could he get any worse_. Which made Wade fall out of his chair cackling, Bucky quickly following. Eddie and Venom bickered amongst themselves.

Matt had very little reaction.

“Funny thing is, Superior Iron Man’s worst enemy was Daredevil for a very long time.”

“Huh.” Matt went back to contemplating Matt-y things. Smart, lawyer things, presumably. Or thinking about how to get out of another lecture from Foggy about endangering his life.

Peter could relate.

Bucky was turning an alarming shade of red at that point, so Peter decided to barrel along with his story.

“The Avengers had a, like, mission? Yeah a mission, in a remote island, that was going to _deep_ shit. They figure out their best course of action is for Miss Maximoff to do a spell, because she’s more witch-y in most other universes than here, that would reverse the motivations of all of the villains on the island. Except it kind of went the wrong way? It also reversed the motivations of the Avengers, which was where the timelines diverged and another universe was created.”

“Shit, it happens just like that?” Wade asked.

“You’ll see why in a second.”

Wade clapped his hands in excitement.

“So that was originally Earth 616.”

“Is it always 616?” Steve asked.

Peter considered it for a moment, before shrugging. “Yeah, basically. Anyways, uh, in both universes, this wizard, spellcaster sorcerer guy Doctor Strange-”

Bucky groaned. “That’s the stupidest name I’ve ever heard and we fought a dude called _Red Skull_.”

“His name is like, actually Doctor Strange.”

**“You are shitting us.”**

“I shit you not, dear friend. His name is actually Doctor Steven Strange. He was a neurosurgeon before he became Sorcerer Supreme.”

Wade held his hands up. “Wait, does Sorcerer Supreme mean he’s like, the head honcho?”

Peter nodded.

Wade grinned. “That is the _best_ thing I’ve ever heard. So, Spides, do you know if _we’ve_ got a Doctor Strange?”

“Yep, but he’s only the one in charge of New York Sanctum right now. _Anyways_ , Doctor Strange and _Magneto_ of all people inversed the spell, which is great, except in the divergent universe, Iron Man built armor that was magic-proof.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. Ouch. He went evil, but was like, secretive about it, and was extorting the entire population of San Francisco for millions of dollars, it all ended when Pepper Potts, who was his friend, not his girlfriend, still badass as fuck, because our Tony Stark is apparently weird for having a lasting romantic relationship, killed him.”

**“He is dead?”**

“Nah. Extremis. Makes him like a knockoff Deadpool.”

**“That sucks actual ass. We do not need more of those.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> superior iron man is a really cool storyline, plus there's pepper potts content, and comic pepper potts owns my soul
> 
> also, i do want to mention in my multiverse, all tony starks are mutants (he can multitask with ease, ie listening to a podcast and reading at the same time and understand both), he is normally unaware of this, just thinks it's a genius thing, but it does sometimes come up as being weird or whatever.


	3. Sorority Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finds a friend in a dumpster. A very drunk friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNINGS:** Intoxicated adult interacting with a minor (nothing bad happens), mentions of violence (defenestration), violence being treated as a joke, someone does faceplant

Someone was giggling in a dumpster.

Seriously, who giggles in a dumpster? The only people Peter knew who genuinely enjoyed being in dumpsters were Hawkeye and-

Oh.

He knew the heartbeat sounded familiar.

Peter lifted the lid off, and lo and behold, Double Fuckin’ D was staring back at him. Figuratively, of course.

“Heyyy.” Matt slurred out, and tried to pat Peter’s head. “Sweet, vinegar, silk, grief, too warm, school. Kid!”

Oh no.

“You are either drunk or concussed, and I do not want to know which.”

“I’m good! I’m good!” Matt made grabby hands. “Pull me out, kiddo.”

Drunk, then. He was way too cheery to be concussed. Concussed Matt made  _ Frank _ seem like an angel.

Peter sighed, and hauled Matt up.

“Right, Red, got any reasons why you’re drunk off your ass at 4:00 in the afternoon in  _ Queens _ ?” Peter looked up. “ _ Right  _ underneath the Casa?”

“I was mean to Drift, called him a Mauser 98, so Nomad threw me out the window.”

“And  _ why  _ were you wearing your suit?!”

“I don't remember.” Matt patted his face again. “You have a very nice face. Round. Shaped like a friend. Or a nephew! A tiny, terrifying nephew. You’re a very good nephew. I had too much tequila. Two bottles. Glass, cork.”

“Double-D, I am two inches shorter than you, at  _ most _ .”

“Teeny tiny terrifying nephew with knives in his wrists.” Matt sang. “Wait, what  _ is  _ in your wrists? They’re like fingernails but wrong, they’re inside, raised skin, extra muscles, hole in your wrists.  _ Two  _ holes in your wrists. Wait,  _ oh my god are you like biological Wolverine?! _ You are like, more awesome than usual.”

“Of all of the kinds of drunks I expected you to be, ‘Stereotypical Sorority Girl’ was  _ not _ one of them. That’s it, I'm calling DP.”

“We’re all drunk! That's why we did this!”

Peter massaged his forehead. “Drunk vigilantes. Amazing.”

“Really! Drift brought the Asgardian stuff from the compound so even  _ Nomad _ ’s drunk.” Matt waved his hands around. “The air makes funny patterns when I do this.”

Peter sighed, and held up three fingers, to try to get Matt to laugh. Peter needed to know if his ribs were broken. “Fine. How many fingers am I holding up?”

Matt laughed so hard he started wheezing. Peter heard his ribs grinding together.

“He broke your ribs.”

“No he didn’t.” Matt lied.

“Dude, you literally taught me how to listen for lies. You lied right now.”

Matt pouted. “You’re too smart. Why are you so smart?”

Peter sighed, and turned around to send Eddie a text, because Eddie was the  _ only vigilante in New York Fucking City  _ besides Peter  _ who wasn’t drunk off their ass _ right now.

Before he could dial, however, he was spun around by Matt. “You.” He squished his face. “Are the smartest dumbass I’ve ever had the fortune of meeting. I can hear the little tiny hamster wheel in your brain whirring away. You’re feeling bad, you haven’t slept in days but you don’t sound sleep deprived, and you smell like silk, sweet, vinegar, spiders, fear, guilt, you’ve mutated again so you’re probably thinking about the Other and what it’s doing to you.”

“Matt-”

“You’re a good egg, kiddo, humanity be damned. You are not a monster and we love you. Favorite nephew, 100%.” Matt let go. “Not a monster  _ or  _ a weapon  _ Stark _ ."

Peter wasn’t crying. “Thanks man, means a lot.”

“I’m glad.” Matt patted his head again. “I’m gonna go back to the Casa now. Good talk.”

Peter’s Spidey-Sense notified him he was about to watch someone get hurt, so obviously, Peter’s first response was to get his phone out and start recording.

Good thing too, because as soon as Matt got up, he stumbled and faceplanted right back on the ground.

Instead of saying ow, or  _ anything _ like a normal person, Matthew Micheal Murdock, Attorney at Law’s complete lack of brain to mouth filter while drunk went with “Face hurty.”

Peter wheezed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peter definitely walks matt back
> 
> this is my last chapter ive pre-written but im working on two fics rn for this universe so i might get something soon if i dont get distracted


	4. free oxiclean advertising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there has been a murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNINGS:** implications of murder, non-graphic but frequent mentions of blood, mentions of periods

“Peter is going to _kill_ us.” Wade chewed on his fingers. “Peter refuses to kill people and he is going to _kill_ us.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Relax, we just have to get this stain out of the rug.”

"Yeah, but _how do we do that_?”

 **“Why will Peter be angry about the blood?”** Venom asked.

“Because it’s more than a human being can survive losing, and apparently he can tell when it’s Deadpool’s.”

**“It tastes weird. Peter’s tastes sick. Wade’s tastes like dying.”**

"Yeah, well I don’t think Peter can taste that well.”

**“He has good taste in food.”**

“Peter’s diet is mainly bugs, junk food and whatever he can beg off people on the street.” Wade raised what would’ve been an eyebrow. “I think his taste leaves much to be desired.”

**“He has an enhanced metabolism.”**

“So?”

**“He gets an excuse.”**

“Whatever. Help me move the couch, love. I need to see the whole damage.” Venom picked up the couch. “Thanks love.”

That was a significant amount of blood. Eddie whistled.

“How the fuck are we going to clean up all _that_ ?!” Wade yelled, his voice somehow managing to get _more_ squeaky.

**How can a deep voice get squeaky?**

“I dunno man.”

“We’re fucked.” Wade threw his hands up in the air. “I am going to have to go through a multitude of elaborate suicide plots until I can guilt-trip Peter into forgiving me.”

**“That is fucked up”**

“So is what little Petey-Pie is going to do to my gorgeous face when he comes home!”

“He’s not going to do anything because I know how to clean this.”

“You know how to clean _this_?!” Wade flapped his hand towards the previously green rug.

**Are they always like this?**

“Yes, Venom, cis men are usually like that.”

“Wait, _wait_. We can use your Owning a Uterus wisdom, you guys know how to clean up blood, right?”

“Yep.” Eddie said. “Just get me some OxiClean and a bucket.”

“Nessa was on birth control the entire time I knew her, didn’t _ever_ have to deal with that.”

“This is why Jessica sends me on tampon runs, Wade.” Eddie rubbed his forehead. “Now get me the fucking OxiClean. It’s under the sink, Peter uses it all the time.”

“ _Peter_ knows how to use this?”

“Uh, yeah? He bleeds all the time.”

**“You are just being weird.”**

Eddie pulled the tub of OxiClean out. “Honestly, this probably won’t hold up during a police investigation, but we’ve got a lot more incriminating shit in here than a couple of pints of cleaned up blood in the rug.”

Venom peaked under a floorboard.

**“About 40 pounds of cocaine in this section of the floorboards is all they’ll need to see.”**

“Do you have a better spot for it?”

“Yeah! Away from the fucking guns!” Eddie grabbed the bucket.

“Good idea!” Wade slapped Eddie’s back.

“Huh?”

“Yeah! If the cops find the guns, they’ll be too freaked out about the guns to find the coke!”

“That’s… not how it works, dude.” Eddie said.

“What would you know?!”

“Clearly more than you, considering I’m the one who’s actually cleaning the rug.”

“I’m offering moral support.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “That’s what Venom’s for, dumbass.”

**Am I good moral support?**

“Yes, love, you are very good moral support.”

 **Good.** Venom settled himself on Eddie’s shoulders, like a mildly possessive blanket. **I will be the best moral support.**

“You know what would be better than being moral support? Both of you?”

“What?”

**What?**

“Actually helping me fucking clean.”

* * *

Matt opened the door. “Did you guys murder someone in here? It smells like not-Wade blood.”

**Shit.**

“I thought lawyers were supposed to be _discrete_!” Wade yelled.

“YOU GUYS _WHAT_?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eddie's experienced with periods are based on my own.  
> i've got menorrhagia so i am VERY experienced in cleaning blood lol.  
> also in case there is some confusion, i'm transmasc too and my pronouns are he/him. if you call me she/her i'll stab ur nose

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry my brain would not shut up until i wrote these  
> updates will come when they do, i have ADHD and no schedule


End file.
